To say it’s been hectic here is an understatement. Since we last met, I’ve made all the side-dishes for Christmas meal, entertained and adored my grand-daughter for hours, made gnocchi, driven the 2+ hours to the Denver airport twice, shipped 40 orders from my website (still many to go), spent time with my partner and her 3 daughters (which I very much call my own), spent moments missing my own three daughters were all in Texas visiting their dad, and I got married. What a way to close a year and begin another.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to nail down some specifics, battled with myself if they even need to be “nailed down”, then mostly gave up. I don’t think I should get very detailed about sex with Joe. Who cares about the first time or the last time. All I am sure about is that I was underage the first time it happened. In fact, the only reason I know this is because I figured it was why he couldn’t keep it up very well and why he resorted to forcefully making me give him a blow job. I will never ever get the taste of shock and semen out of my mouth. It just wasn’t what I expected and, even as savvy as *I* thought I was (this was only my second sexual partner), I was just a girl.
But I got up and drank water as fast I could so i didn’t throw up and acted more than fine. I soothed him so that he didn’t think i was disappointed. Such a fine example of an obedient woman who caters eternally to the fragile male ego. That obedient woman is so much of who I would grow into, but also who I never was in real life. Ask my friends. Ask my parents. Ask anyone else who has dated me for 5 minutes. Well, except for the abusive ex’s. I was obedient for a certain amount of time, until the moment I wasn’t.
I didn’t begin my journey of true disobedience toward Joe until 6 years ago. Around the age of 40. Can you believe that? For the few of you who know me in the real world, I have a deep sense of embarrassment about all of this. I talked to a close friend yesterday who grabbed my face through the phone and said, “Uh, this is NOT your fault.” I was blabbering about “taking responsibility for my part.” They really turned it around for me. But I do think that I take responsibility for not breaking it off all these years, or for not keeping it broken off after all the times I “broke up” with him.
I kept coming back. For money mostly, but also for the sense of loss of a friend. Man, my mind was really fucked up about what a friend is, I see that now. I also have so much to explain. I think I just needed to get this sex post out of the way.
So yeah. We had sex a lot. In the pet store at night. At his house. Nothing was more adventurous than that. But it thrilled me, until the moment it didn’t anymore. We will get into all that soon. I need to do some more set-up in the next post about how the emotional relationship went. I’m trying to keep some order about all this, but what often happens is that I am bombarded with memories I hadn’t thought of in 30 years and then I lose my place.
Happy New Year, y’all.
Scarlet Pearl 