I was elated that I got hired at the pet store. My first job was going to be my dream job?!?! I don’t know if my parents were going through some financial duress at the time, but I do remember that my dad was *really* pushing me to get and start a job as soon as physically possible.
I also remember that I cried a little after they told me I would need to get said job. There was a part of me that dreamt of just school and nothing else. I wanted to go to Rice, be a lawyer or a doctor. Something in me knew that this little after school job would wreck my plans. At the time, I thought it was because of the time constraints of 24 hours in a day and that I was already overwhelmed with all my school functions. I cried because I knew I would have to give up at least one of my beloved nerdy activities and this wouldn’t just not look good on a college application, it would hurt my little nerd heart.
None of my parents had gone to college and they weren’t concerned about my resume as far as that goes. I was always striving to literally graduate in the number one spot in my class, watching my GPA go up up up above 4.0 was like a video game to me. I would try harder in classes that normally I did great in just to bring it up by a another fraction of a decimal. I was a Junior now and the reality of the importance of a GPA and college applications was as real as the ugly sequinced leotard I had had to wear the year before on drill team. I didn’t want a job. I was actually already falling apart from stress and panic attacks were coming on. Like actual heart racing ithinkimreallydying panic attacks that lasted hours.
Are you bored? Please don’t be. I think that the real set-up of me exploring exactly where I was the moment this all began is really important. I think it’s important for not only other women, but parents. Many of us are trying to understand how the smart beautiful girls ended up in Jeffrey Epstein’s lair, this is how those girls went so willingly the first time and held their breath hoping so hard it was just a leg-up and the horror would be over soon.
The grooming didn’t start with Maxwell or Epstein, it started with either a self or parentally imposed pressure that was ringing loudly in our ears. Louder than reason or self-preservation. It’s probably why i literally have never pushed my kids to do one thing. Which not good parenting either, I grant you. But as a mother of three daughters, I was terrified each time one was born. In love with them, and terrified.
All right. I woke up at 5 am. It’s 6 am. I need more coffee and cigarette before I go on. I haven’t called these memories up since the day I graduated high school. I am angry for 17 year old me right now.
Scarlet Pearl 